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Fighting My Battle Against 5 Years of Amenorrhea

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NOTE READ ME FIRST!

 
 I receive emails and comments regarding this post all the time from readers sharing similar stories to mine.  You may feel lost and confused like you’ve tried EVERYTHING when it comes to getting your cycle back I get that.  Seed cycling is one tool that you can use to help get your hormones back on track, but if there is anything I’ve learned from healing my amenorrhea and working with hundreds of women to help improve their hormones, it’s that the approach has to be individualized.  There is no ONE set approach that will help you get your cycle back on track.  We need to dive into your personal history and take a unique supplement, diet, and exercise approach.  You may need more or fewer supplements, carbs, fat, protein, calories, and exercise to get back on track. It’s a delicate balance.  THAT BEING SAID, I hope sharing my experience will help you know that you can get back on track and that you are not alone in the way you are feeling!  

Original Post

I have to tell you guys something that feels somewhat like a confession.  For the past five years (so a year before starting this blog) I  have struggled with amenorrhea.  If you think the word struggled is a bit extreme, I get that. How could not having a period be a struggle?  Well, it is.  It is because you know your body isn’t functioning right, you know something is wrong, and you don’t know what to do. I had always intended to write about it, but I didn’t want to add to the confusion out there. I had read so many posts from people who had it but hadn’t solved it, and I didn’t want to contribute to the confusion.  I wanted to share the answer.  However, if you would have asked me four years ago if I thought it would take five long years to get my cycle back, I probably would have fainted.

You guys, there are so many posts in my drafts that consist of me pouring out my frustration, anger, fears, and pain struggling with this issue. I can’t tell you how happy I am to be getting this off my chest finally.  So, let me start from the beginning.

I started my cycle at age 14, a bit of a late bloomer compared to my friends but no big deal.  It was regular, although I do remember some pretty severe fatigue and cramping in high school. I remember coming home those days passing out for hours under a heating pad, looking back I can see that might not have been normal.   In college, I started having my cycle every two weeks, and so the University doctor quickly put me on birth control.  (First Yasmin then later on Yaz.)  I continued on birth control for almost six years. For a variety of reasons, in the middle of graduate school, I decided to stop taking it.  When I finished it I got one cycle where I know I ovulated because I remember calling my future MIL (my mom would rather die than talk to me about these things) and asking her WTH was going on.  Then absolutely nothing for five solid years.  NOTHING.  When I mean nothing, I mean nothing.  I think the best thing I can do is break this up into sections, so here we go.

EMOTIONS

Nala.JPG

The first thing that I want to address is the emotional toll this situation takes on your psyche.  When I would tell friends, medical professionals, or others they would say things like:
  • “But you don’t look too skinny or emaciated?”  —> my general reaction, “so what do I look like then?”
  • “But I’ve been way skinnier than you, and I haven’t lost my period yet” —> “thank you for pointing that out.” 
  • “This may never go away for you.”  —> this was said to me by the first Doctor I saw at Loma Linda.  I’ll never forget his words.  My thoughts, “I’ll show you.”
  • “Maybe you should go back on birth control until your ready to have kids.”  —> My thoughts, “how the hell does that solve the problem?” 
  • “Are you guys ever going to have kids?/ Do you guys want kids? / When do you want kids? ” —> “I don’t know if I can.” 
  • “My friend got off of birth control and her period came back right away.” My thoughts —> “thank you for sharing, mine did not.”
  • “I think you need to eat a few Oreos and chill out.” —> “so chemical additives and preservatives are the answer to my problem?”
  • “You need to chill out, relax, stop stressing.”  My thoughts, “ so this is all my fault?” Whenever someone would tell me that it would stress me out so much further like something was wrong with me, and I just needed to control my emotions.  If I was stressed, that particular comment sent me off my rocker.
  • “I’m not convinced you don’t have PCOS. “  —> WTF, am I suppose to do with that info? Should I eat fewer carbs than I’m already eating? Update: I’ve received a lot of questions about carbs. I addressed that here.)
  • “We can try this medication.”  I look it up. It’s for drug addicts weaning off drugs.  No, thank you, hard pass.
  • You’ve lost weight/gained weight.  The hardest comment came in the last couple of months when someone told me my face looked fuller (and relaxed).  If she weren’t 90, I would have felt like hitting her. It stuck with me for daaaaayyyyyyysssss and daaaaaayyyyysss and daaaayyyyyssss.  Then my husband reminded me the same person before would continuously ask me if I was getting enough to eat.  So really you can’t win with some people, and that’s why you don’t worry about any people.  More on that later.
 
For those of you out there struggling with this issue, I know you understand just how painful these statements are to hear.  What’s even more distressing is what is what you think is said behind your back. Eventually, everyone knows there is a “problem” and they know to keep quiet about it. Then people stop asking,  I almost feel like that’s worse.  Give me the chance to explain what’s going on, don’t talk about it behind my back.  I’d always get mad thinking about this because I didn’t even want kids at the time, so what business was it of theirs why I’ve been married x number of years without any babies.
 
 nala
 
Every time a friend gets pregnant, it’s an internal struggle to be happy for them meanwhile not freaking out or feeling isolated from the norm.  I took comfort in the fact that you can get pregnant without a period thanks to a combination of drug therapies.  I also took comfort in the fact that I didn’t want any children at that moment.  Luckily, my mother was never pushing for babies.   She is still hoping we can get a horse, so I hear her words and laugh “let’s get a horse.”  She will probably know how much that got me through the last several years.  Oddly enough, having Missy and Nala to take care of also helped my psyche a bit too.  I can’t explain how, but it did.
 

DIET

sweet-potato-steak-broccoli

This was around the same time that I know my metabolism was JACKED up because I at some point I started gaining weight at 1200 calories.  I stopped counting calories, and my weight normalized to my high school weight, but it was still a struggle.  Let me preface something, my weight never dropped below an acceptable range, my body fat percentage was always healthy, and my BMI was never below 21.  I didn’t look emaciated, and I didn’t feel emaciated, yet my monthly cycle continued to elude me.

However, I will say that when I stopped taking BC, I had just finished Kris Carr’s Crazy Sexy Diet cleanse (vegan and gluten-free), my blood test showed borderline anemia and very low Vitamin D levels.  Despite this, I was not given instructions on how to rectify the situation, so I dabbled in supplements with little luck.  Several times over the years I tried many things with my diet:
 
– carb cycling
– high fat/moderate fat
– bulletproof coffee
– high saturated fat (aiming for 50grams plus per day)
– increased calories
pumpkin-bread
 
I tried to control the situation over and over and over again.  What ending up working was a combination of seed cycling ( find that protocol here), omega 3/GLA cycling, and intuitive eating.  I ate when I was hungry stopped when I was full and TRUSTED MY BODY.  I did not calorie count, I did not count macros.  I attempted to balance my meals: protein, carb (veggies or starchy), and fat(usually in cooking).  I do think I tend to eat on the low carb side of things, so I made an effort to include healthy carbs at almost every meal.  I’ve had enough practice at this point that I don’t crave cookies all day long, in fact, since implementing intuitive eating I barely crave anything ever, it’s weird.
 

EXERCISE

lunges-2

 
My relationship with exercise is probably the number one reason I stopped giving a shit about what I ate.  Over the summer I ate impeccably, I followed all the rules I know to be correct about carbohydrate timing and clean eating.  Sometimes I counted and sometimes I didn’t, but I ate very cleanly. Do you know what happened?  Frustration.  I saw zero change in my body despite working out hard and eating well.  At that point, I was sure my hormones were to blame, probably a combination of high cortisol (stress) and low sex hormones, but I found it pointless.  I knew I needed to reset my metabolism and the only way to do that was just to let everything be for a while.
kelli post workout
 
From the summer to the fall I worked out on my own at home and the local recreation center, a bit at TI Fitness, and did some running. Although it was so hot, I eventually stuck to the treadmill in the rec center.  In the fall I decided to start training for the Gilbert half marathon.  I chose this for two reasons 1) it was near my house 2) it was near my house, and if I saw people doing it I might get jealous 3) my goal was to run a half marathon this year, how cool would it be to do two?
 
 I ran 2-3 times per week (usually 2) and went to TI Fitness the other days; occasionally I did a workout on my own (typically Crossfit style).  I was kind of surprised, the first day of my first period in five years was in the middle of training on the day of an 8-mile run. I am slightly worried about completing my half marathon on Saturday, but yesterday I got the go-ahead from my doctor.  She said to have fun, then cool it on the running for a while so things can normalize.
IMG_1576.JPG
 
I usually go through periods of running or weightlifting.  After I finish a race, my mind starts wandering towards weightlifting goals anyway, when I get bored of that I head back to running and repeat.  You guys know my love of CrossFit style workouts, but unfortunately, I have to baby my back.  So, I’ve been working on things on my own with the help of some friends and youtube.  It isn’t ideal, but with two back injuries under my belt, it is clear to me that I need to know every single movement and what I’m comfortable lifting before I head to a box.  Otherwise, I get caught up in the comparison game, and it’s downhill from there.  I have a few workout goals like being able to do ten pull-ups in a row, handstands push-ups, walking on my hand’s muscle ups, pistol squats, the fun cool stuff.  So I plan to do Crossfit style workouts or go to TI Fitness 4 days a week and continue with 1-2 days of running.
 

BODY IMAGE & WEIGHT

high-waisted-jeans

 

The most important thing I did that I think affected my cycle was to choose to love myself.

 
In high school, I thought I was hot shit.  A lot of people talk about their high school insecurities, and sure I had my fair share, but for the most part, I was pretty full of myself.  I recognized I wasn’t the skinniest or the richest, but that never bothered me too much.  I thought I was hot shit all the way up until the moment I saw myself on TV my junior year of college, from the point that I started dieting is the point I developed all my insecurities, and I held onto them until two months ago.  At that point, I decided, “F it”, I wasn’t getting anywhere with my progress so I might as well enjoy what I’ve got going for me now.  I decided to do a few things I’ve always wanted to do but thought I wasn’t skinny enough for, like create a few fashion posts on IG and here at Hungry Hobby.
White & Black Dress with Fall Booties
The response was overwhelmingly positive (because you guys are amazing) and I had so much fun doing it.  I kept it up, and each time a post went up I was surprised by the overwhelmingly positive response.   Sure, there were pictures that I didn’t like, and I didn’t post those.  Then I realized, I took about 100 photos per post (just like I do food) and posted the best looking 4 of them.  That gave me a lot of insight into what’s going on behind the scenes in the blogs, IG accounts, magazines, health/fitness images that I’m always comparing myself too.  I also realized as I let some of my other interests in my life shine through, such as fashion, food became less important.  It wasn’t the center of all my life and all my work anymore.  That in of itself was incredibly liberating.  I stopped weighing myself in June and developed my I don’t give a shit attitude in September.  By October my cycle was back, I was dumbfounded.
 
kelli-beach
 
I was pretty sure I had gained a little weight changing up my diet and go on vacation, but I didn’t care, I maintained the “I still look good attitude.”  The crazy part?  Mr. Hungry and I noticed immediately that a good deal of my weight gain was happening in my boobs (no I’m not pregnant, but I did have my first cycle in 5 years), the rest was reasonably well distributed.  Of course, I wasn’t crazy about it, but I refused to stress about it. I wholeheartedly believe that with clean eating, good exercise, and less stress my hormones will even out eventually, and I’ll get the look I want (once I have the hormones that are required to recover from exercise properly.)  I’m on the slow path, though, I figure it will take me a couple of years to get there.  In the meantime, I got new clothes and started judging the clothes instead of my body when I tried them on.
 
stitchfix-3
 
The hardest part came when someone pointed out my weight gain, the thing that had always made me so afraid to stop weighing myself in the first place.  First, shame on them for being so damn rude, but when you’re 90 years old, you don’t give a shit either.  It didn’t bother me that a 90-year-old told me I gained weight, it bothered me that I thought everyone else was thinking it.  Then I reminded myself, I don’t give a shit what other people think.  They don’t know me, and they don’t know what kind of journey I’ve been on.  They don’t know that right now, a little weight gain (shit, a ton of weight gain) may be useful for me.  People just assume when someone gains weight it’s due to laziness.  As a Dietitian I can tell you there is nothing further from the truth.  Not one of my clients gained weight because they were lazy, there is always more to the story.
 
Those who do know, don’t care if I gained weight or not.  Those who I care about are proud of me for forging ahead and improving my health after five years of no hormones.  I’m not saying it wasn’t a hard pill to swallow because it was, I cried for too many days in a row.  Then I moved on and went back to my screw her, I’m hot shit attitude.  I don’t have time to worry about how much I weight, cellulite, or other self-defeating bullshit.  I’ve only got time to take care of myself because eating clean, sleeping enough, and getting a good workout in is a full-time job in of itself.  I believe when things balance out I’ll get the look I want, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate all the gains I’ve made so far.  I’ve got muscles popping out of places I’ve never seen before, and I ran a half marathon this year, my body is amazing, screw you if you think otherwise.  Most of you don’t believe otherwise because just one week ago I posted the photo at the beginning of this section that got the most likes I’ve ever seen on IG.  So there is that.
 

STRESS

Kelli graduation

 
When I stopped taking BC, I was midway through graduate school.  I had a lot of friends, but many of them went to LA on the weekends leaving me to hang out by myself.  I missed my family and my boyfriend (now husband) terribly.  It was a stressful time.  It didn’t feel any more stressful than undergraduate, but I wasn’t going out getting hammered every weekend with my friends to blow off steam.  It was just hard work ALL THE TIME.  The only stress reliever I had was going to RCIA (to become Catholic).
DSC_0468.jpg
 
After graduate school, I came back and jumped into job hunting and planning a wedding.  After our honeymoon, I started my first job at WIC.  WIC messed with my emotions. It wasn’t at all what I had in mind when I thought of being a Dietitian.  I knew I wanted to be in the positive preventative atmosphere of health and fitness. I managed nine employees who hated their jobs and tried to take advantage of me every step of the way.  It was very distressing.  On top of it all, I got injured (no doubt due to lack of hormones and good nutrition), which made my 45-minute commute each way quite literally excruciating.  So I had a painful job in horrible traffic to a place I hated, and I couldn’t work out to blow off steam.
kelli life time

After about a year of that, I applied and took a job at Life Time Fitness.  I loved every second of what I was doing, but eventually, 70 hour work weeks and variable pay caught up with me.  Plus, let’s be honest.  The fitness industry is not the place you want to be when you have amenorrhea. In the past year, I’ve been working on my own business and teaching at a local community college.  It’s been a struggle to launch everything but worth it. I can manage my back pain which is, thanks to Dr.K, virtually gone.  It pretty much flares when I travel, and that’s it.  I can maintain my work schedule, get enough sleep, and pour my heart and soul into work I love.  The hard part has been keeping up with my massive student loan, but I know I’m not the only entrepreneur millennial out there.

What I’m trying to say is in the last 4-5 years I’ve jumped for the stressful situation too stressful situation too stressful situation.   Trust me, and I did all kinds of yoga challenges and meditation for months on end, it never helped. Meditating in the corner is useful, but it wouldn’t change the fact that I was in Grad School, worked a job I hated, was in physical pain, or working 70 hours a week.  Changing my environment was the best decision I ever made.  Then, because I changed my environment, I was finally in a place where I could change my mindset.
 

SUPPORT

coffee-mug

I mentioned in the emotions section that people have said things to me that cut me so deep I felt you could see into the hole straight through me.  People have said things to me that stuck with me for years on end, and the best part is they probably don’t even remember saying them.  My first Doctor in Loma Linda told me that this “probably wouldn’t go away for me.”  Great. Your an ass. Next.

My second Doctor, in Arizona, at first made me feel really good.  He was sure it would come back, and he wanted to wait it out.  This Doctor was Catholic, and so the best thing about him was that he wasn’t about to put me on birth control as the answer. He also made me feel, on several occasions stupid and like the problem was my fault.  To the point that every time I went in to see him, I would get so anxious the night before I would throw up. I should have stopped seeing him years before I did.

 

As I mentioned, I read SO SO SO many stories online of people who had lost their period, but few who talked about getting it back.  Many of those admitted anorexic tendencies which I didn’t identify because I had abandoned eating 1200 calories and wasn’t counting anymore.  I was at a healthy weight, body fat percentage, and BMI.  I was at my high school weight, so it wasn’t like I was underweight.  I never identified with those stories, and I still don’t.  One day I ran across a blog that I finally identified as at least somewhat similar to me and found out this blogger was in Arizona.  I asked her to meet up and talk with me about it, and even though she lived an hour away, she agreed.  We talked for a couple of hours, and it became clear to me that some parts of our stories overlapped and others didn’t.  However, just talking to her felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.   Since then, she has become one of my most significant sources of support in friendship and business.  I’m fortunate to have found such a great friend who understood what I was going through.

I should also mention in this section that my MIL always always always listened and talked with me.  She was caring, supportive, and wonderful.  However, she couldn’t hold me accountable for seed cycling or any other diet change.  I also would feel better and anxious at the same time while talking to her about this issue.  Hi, it’s your DIL calling again about that problem that might cause you never to have grandchildren by your son.  That was an accepted fact by all members of the family (or at least I assumed it was) but still weird.

My mom didn’t want to talk about it.  She just wanted to know if we weren’t going to have grandkids could we have a horse?  In a way, that helped a lot. At least there was one person in the family I knew legitimately didn’t care if I was fertile or not.  Weird, but I think it’s worth mentioning.  As I got older, I wondered what others thought about us not having kids.  The funny part was, I didn’t want kids yet.  Not once did I want them, okay once a few months ago I got baby fever, but that passed.  I had zero desire for kids, yet it seemed unacceptable that I didn’t know if I could have them.
instagram perfect nala
If there was any question of that, Nala, that crazy sweet dog put an end to it.  When we got Nala, we felt it bought us at least a year if not longer of no questions.  Caring for Nala took my mind off things and made us both (Mr. Hungry and me) thrilled ( a little stressed but mostly happy.) She was one of the best decisions we made in the last couple of years.
 

What Now?

So why do I call it a battle?  Well, hopefully, you see now how many factors I was continually weighing.  It wasn’t just one thing. It was a combination of the right moves that finally brought it back.  Many of those moves took courage beyond what I thought I could ever muster up.

I appreciate you all letting me share this story with you.  I was going to wait until I had two cycles, but Mr. Hungry urged me to write about it sooner.  I think he knew that it was important to me to share.  I hope that this story helps someone out there not to lose hope and know they aren’t the only ones to go through this.  More updates after the holiday.

Updates/ Related

Have you ever had hormone issues?

Have you struggled with infertility?

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do for your health?

About Kelli Shallal MPH RD

Kelli Shallal MPH RD is a Phoenix, Arizona based Registered Dietitian with a Masters in Public Health from Loma Linda University. She is a blogger behind the popular blog and nutrition practice Hungry Hobby. She is also the owner and creator of What to Eat? Meal Plans.

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